Wallets and Men

Hola mis amigos and hermanos--can I promise the ladies out there in the land of the high fastball that both of those spanish terms were used with the gender inclusive masculine plural, because here at the brushback pitch we want everyone to feel welcome. We play no favorites...sorta.

So the most incredible woman in the universe got me among other things a wallet for Christmas. Now this wasn't a surprise, because I picked it out. Bah Humbug, you might say? Not at all. You see all things being equal, women really don't get how attached we are to our wallets. I think that they see a wallet more or less as equal to a purse. And while they are attached to their purses, they also tend to see them as more fashion than function. They can be changed like any old outfit in order to match. Ladies, this is simply not the case with wallets.

A man's wallet is a direct 1 to 1 metaphor of his personal character and identity. First, we can separate men from boys by exteriors--adult men generally prefer a more lasting exterior that is held closed either by the training of the leather itself or a small strap, but either way it is a noiseless open and close; Boys generally like velcro and bright colors of polyester. Next we can separate married with kids from single and on the prowl--the classic "dad" wallet is about one to two inches thick when folded up, includes pictures of family, all credit cards, all insurance cards, all grocery store savings cards, all important receipts, all business cards collected, a spare house key, etc.; a single man might choose to go instead with a sleek front pocket wallet, so that he doesn't get it lifted while on the dance floor. Next you can separate clean and organized from trashy and disorganized--self explanatory...clean freaks keep a really organized wallet; disorganized people don't.

So, ladies, next time you go to get your man a wallet, be smart. Take him with you and let him guide you to the wallet of his dreams. We don't chnge them until they fall apart. We do with wallets what we wish we would do with cars--we drive them until the wheels fall off. If you think of it in terms of butt-crushing hours, the extra ten dollars to move from cheesy bifold to removable travel ID section trifold is actually mere pennies more, so long as it is what he wants. Not just any wallet will do, you must find "the one." There is a much better chance that the theory of "the one" applies much more to wallets than it does to humans and marriage.

That's it for now. God save the Cheese.