Down the Shore! It's Safe Now.

Welcome Cheese fans! You are truly the most beautiful adoring public that has ever existed. Give yourselves a round of applause.

So the most incredible woman in the world and I are headed "down the shore" today. That is how people from New Jersey say "to the shore," which is a reference to going to the beach. I suppose that the assumption is that no one in their right mind would ever go to the shore directly west of greater Philadelphia, therefore, they must go down the shore, as in south. Or maybe the first guy to use the phrase was an extremely charismatic semi-retarded guy who won over some mindless sheep who then came to power and enforced such speech. I don't know, either way we are headed to the Jersey Shore.

If you ever watch the Aqua Teen Hunger Force (perhaps the best show on television), you will also note that Dr. Wierd has his secret Lair somewhere on the South Jersey Coast. This is where we are headed. "Gentleman...Behold!" That's a tag line for Dr. Weird.

I think we are headed to Ocean City (undoubtedly aptly named); however, we could go back to Atlantic City. The best thing about Atlantic City is you get to watch people who are drunk by noon stumble out and pass out on the beach beside you so that they can sweat it out. Also, you see the occassional gambler turned weeping-now-homeless-and-spouseless-ex-gambler get "assisted" out of one of Donald Trump's casinos.

Another little known gem about Atlantic City is that it is the basis for the Monopoly board. All of the streets and stuff on the board are based on actual streets and places in Atlantic City. If you have ever been there, the town has definitely changed a bit since that game was made. I would much rather live in a townhome on St. Charles than in a shanty rowhome next to one of those rockhouses on Pacific Ave. But, what are you gonna do? The boardwalk is cool too.

Another favorite joy about the Atlantic City beaches is the chance you get to help society out by picking up the various hypodermic needles and dead bodies that have washed ashore. Seriously, this last summer they did run ads about how much cleaner they had gotten the shore, and therefore you and your family could think about coming back. This advertising move is almost as good as the "better tasting!" line on some food items. This is basically an admission that the product here to fore tasted like crap, but we've worked on that somewhat.

Being the accomodating guy that I am, I look forward to spending time with my wife, the most incredible woman in the world, but honestly, do not look forward at all to going to the beach. You see, here is a lesson for all the skinny people out there: No matter how much fun it is, fat people don't like the swimming or swimming areas (beaches, pools, hot tubs, etc.). Now here is the key: It is not because we have an aversion to the fun that is there. We have an aversion to the clothing that must be worn, or better put the lack of clothing worn at these places of undoubted and uncontested fun. I love swimming. I love the ocean. I love the sand. I hate being there in my bathing suit. I am uncomfortable. I am self-conscious. I am the announced and then shoved toward the water "beached whale" being "rescued" by some hateful children that God, for some unknown reason, made skinny and hurtful, and that I cannot beat afterwards because they are not mine. Ahhh...sounds like fun now, doesn't it.

Well, life's a beach! Off we go, "down the shore."