Part 1

He half-ran half-stumbled out of the stairwell. What had gone wrong? His thoughts came in questions and never answers. The answers he did get were no answers at all. Why had he just stood there? Where was his courage? Who was he? What was he afraid of?

Sometimes, if he let himself get away with self-deception, which he supposed everyone did from time to time, he would conclude that he was afraid of people hurting him. But this wasn't really true. People hurt people. Everyday. That was normal. Such fear was irrational and escapist. It was weak, and more it was a lie. What he was more afraid of...and he knew it...was having to rise. His fear was not having others let him down, but that he would become the let down himself. He feared ever truly committing to anything--sports in highschool, a major in college, any number of failed relationships with women, every friendship he had ultimately sacrificed and ran from, and, of course, his family. The great fear was that if he committed, then he was hopelessly beaten.

To most people commitment was not really commitment. To most guys he knew commitment was something like love--a word used far too often, and most often used to get something for the user. It was manipulation. It was a tool to get what you wanted. And after you got it--a toy, a trinket, a one night stand, whatever--you were no longer necessarily committed. Once you got what you wanted--or thought you wanted--you could weigh it as an end against whatever means you construed to get to such an end--be it love or commitment or anything else.

But not so with him. He believed that life was rooted in commitment, and commitment was not manipulation...it was the manipulator. Commitment moved him from subject to object. Once committed, the commitment became the master and he the servant. And would he serve faithfully? Could he? Was he willing to commit? He knew he would fail. Sure, everyone fails, but this would be different. He knew better. Everyone else failed innocently, but he failed knowingly.

Sure, he thought, everyone else is either stupid or crazy, and they all need you to save them. You are the one right-thinking hope in a world of darkened idiocy. Nice thinking. He hated when his undeniable egotism.

But not more than he hated his father.

He needed to find a phone, and fast.