Public Service Announcement: Safehouses (con't.)

Who loves you? The High Cheese loves you. Why? Because I just can't help myself. I think about you and I just start to go crazy. I get these feelings and I can't even imagine if you were with someone else. I don't know what I'd do if you ever left me.

Anyway, drawing on the best memories of my last few experiences from Washington D.C., I have compiled a fine list for you to be blessed by today. Keep these close to your heart if you plan on travelling in any of these areas soon.

Location: Union Station, Amtrack Wing, 1st Floor

City: Washington, D.C.

Cleanliness: What do you really expect from a train station bathroom? I was expecting the door to say something like "VD Room," but it wasn't so horrible. I mean, it was looking pretty worse for wear, but honestly not due to a lack of cleanliness. Location. Location. Location. It is hard to overcome. All in all, an effort had been made to keep it as brightly lit as possible, probably as a crime deterrent. What ended up happening was I sweat out a big job getting all hot-dog glossy all over my arms.

Supply Level: A good level of supplies. Plenty of paper, plenty of paper towels, but two of the three dispensers were running out of soap.

Structural Fortitude: This gets them glowing merit. They used the Hiney Hiders brand of stall, which the Cheese has given his A+ rating for both durability and privacy. There is nothing better on the market, and they knew. I suppose that it is also worth noting that the stainless steel model of toilet is virtually indestructable. It is also a personal favorite for reasons I can't really explain.

Capacity: The room wasn't large, but they made the most of their space to meet capacity (It was in a train station. How much room is needed to smoke a doober?) They crammed four stalls and four urinals in by shoving down to two sinks (remember three soap dispensers...hmmm). Still, it was probably a great move. The traffic never ceased in this thing. I got like four new neighbors in the time it took to do the big job.

Graffiti: Most of it etched, most of it misspelled. All of it extremely vulgar. I felt dirty afterwards.

Ammenities: This really hurts their grade due to the location and traffic--No seat-covers. I guess it keeps me from writing that they were out of seat covers which they most certainly would have been due to the constant flow of people. There was no room for blowers, or a changing table. There was music though. Loud too. "Sweet Caroline" came on. This helped the experience altogether.

Comments: Location is everything in this game, but I had to go. Not near as bad as I was expecting or it could have been.

Overall Grade: B-, They should be very proud of themselves. But not as proud as...

Location: The National Archives Building, 2nd Floor

City: Washington, D.C.

Cleanliness: Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and this place might be the restroom in heaven. Spotless...even the brass was sinhy.

Supply Level: An extra roll fully wrapped in every stall, plenty of paper towels, plenty of everything.

Structural Fortitude: Although the stalls were basic aluminum with brassy chrome finish, they were pristine. No one would think to harm government property with things with trivial statements such as "Tell your mom I said hi."

Capacity: These things were as spacious as the apartments on friends. I think it might have been bigger than my D.C. hotel room. Anyway, the place had four, count 'em, four stall and three urinals, not to mention three sinks, three mirrors, two blowers, two paper towel dispensers, two trash cans, and a baby changing nook (you heard that right, it had its own forechamber). This was classy, and apparently ready to serve all of congress. Huge place. But I was the only one in it for a long time--Sure I was going, but I was overwhelmed as well. I needed time. So all this space, and no real need for it. It was just like our government. I was proud to be an American.

Graffiti: Not one jot. This was the kind of place that you find notes on paper left instead of graffiti. You respect a place this well tended. It's just natural.

Ammenities: In addition to all the stuff mentioned in the capacity section, I should mention that the counter top was fine marble. This place had crown molding. I didn't know bathrooms came like this. I wept for joy and triumph.

Comments: Even better is the fact that as you follow the many signs to this very clearly marked restroom, right before you get to them, you enter through two double glass doors that have across them "Conference Rooms." The first rooms you come to through those doors are the bathrooms. Amen to that design choice. Conference room indeed. Gorgeous.

Overall Grade: A+. One of the top three for sure. If you go to Washington, be sure and stop here for a well-deserved break.

Hopefully, today finds you fully enjoying life, or at least close to a restroom. God save the Cheese.