Santeria, Bud Selig, Old Debts, Juice, and Me

Yeah, I know that the southsiders won themselves a World Series. What can I do quesolitos? Baseball is a very intriguing game, a very suspicious game of late. This called me to action to dig a little deeper into the real grimy underworkings of "america's game."

I knew something was wrong, so I went in search of answers. Where first? I could talk to Ozzie Guillen. First off, he has loose lips, we all know that. Second, I could force him to talk by offering a pig to saint Christopher unless he talked to me. Instead, we drank some blood together in honor of Guadalupe. He spoke fast, so I was having to try and remember key phrases and words...something about old debts, and nostalgia. Basically, he hinted that baseball was indeed being orchestrated in such a way that some teams that were losing momentum in the fan box, but were in major markets could indeed win the world series. What did Ozzie care if he told me--first off, he just won the series, he can't miss on an extension; second, he had complete deniability should I leak this stuff; oh yeah, he had a already put a curse on Don Fehr anyway so that if something came out, he would wither into an albino leper.

There had to be something true in this...why would he simply tell me all this. I had to dig deeper.

It didn't take too much time to get into the Commissioners office as cleaning staff--cleaning staff indeed. So I rooted around in Selig's office and there I found it...documented evidence that baseball was indeed predestining champions through the 2010 season already (2006 - Cardinals, 2007 - Houston, 2008 - Cubs, 2009 - Phillies, 2010 - Dodgers). I was in disbelief. The game didn't need another scandal. But then, as I read more, I started to put some things together--it was even deeper and darker than I had imagined.

The league had created its own steroid problem. It had farmed out certain players to be busted using the juice, so that it could create a firestorm and smoke screen for the fixing of championships. No one notices that a team is unbeatable in the first half, plays like the blind school in the second half of the season, gets to the playoffs and waltzes through unscathed as being anything but a cinderella story, especially when there are names like Bonds and Giambi flying around. No one notices a guy who is lights out all year giving up the game winning run in almost every game of the world series because all of a sudden he can't throw anything but a meat ball as anything other than a youngster collapseing under the pressure, especially with names like Palmeiro and McGuire flying around. This Juice scandal was actually created and sustained by MLB in order to give away chapionships and fix the season without being noticed.

But why? Why fix it. It's a great game. Ozzie was right--old debts. You see, what I found out is that baseball has been for sale for a long time. That is how the Yankees got ahead. They had all the money, and kept outbidding other people. But who would agree to bid so much to lose to these high bidders. No one. So baseball began determining intriguing second place finishers by paying them a cut of the win. Problem is, baseball stopped making good on its payments to the losers. Those left outside started making noise, rattling the sabre so to speak. It wasn't until Selig arrived that any commissioner could come up with a plan. He saved baseball alright, but he only saved it from the truth. They're repaying old debts with fan revenue from winning the Series.

Now I can congratualate the White Sox. It was all a sham anyway.

No one will believe me anyway. Ozzie was right...like he was every time in the playoffs...hmmm.

God save the Cheese.