The Reading Room

Hola my beloved quesolitos.It is time to update the old moving countdown: Overall, it is only 8 days until we move to the heartland, the midwest. But more accurately it is only 4 days until our stuff is moved, which means--due to my bad math--we have roughly four day to live here without our furnishings. I never said I was a mathlete, and somewhere in there there must have been some long division, which is usually where I go wrong.

Anyway...I had a real awakening the other day. Now I will warn you that this awakening has to do with my bathroom habits, but would you expect anything less from me? Of course not...I am, after all, the man who brought you safe house reports for a few months. So basically, I came across some pretty interesting statistics put together by the National Association for Continence, also known as the NAC to a bunch of folks really concerned with not wetting themselves. After studying and surveying over 1000 people, they conclude that the average American spends 2 weeks a year in the old sugashack. Yepper, you get as much paid vacation as you do alone time in the john. Even more interesting to me was the statistic that broke down what most people do while in the bathroom:

33% said they used the time to talk on the phone.
47% said they contemplate the future.
over half said they read.

Now, I have been guilty of the phone thing, but only with my brother and cousin--and generally it's simply an attempt to rattle the other person by beginning the conversation with where you are..."Hey man, What's up? I'm going to the bathroom...right now." Never in public, though. I do have standards you know.

About the contemplating the future group, I am not really sure what this means. Do they really sit there and plan out their lives? If so, how are so many lives so horribly misguided? I dunno...I think that people must have figured that this was the most desirable answer for people who want to seem intelligent.

Now I have to admit that I am definately in the majority group that dedicates that time to reading. I am renowned for reading large amounts of material during extended bathroom visits that need not be so long. It was following a forty page visit to the retreat center that the most wonderful woman in the world confronted me about this particular habit? The conversation was pretty quick, and I was on the defensive, but it went something like this...

Wife: "Where have you been?"

Me: "Bathroom," I answered incredulously waving my book at her.

Wife: "Why do you do that?" She was looking at me like I had crapped on the floor--I hadn't.

Me: "Do what?"

Wife: "Choose to sit in there where it smells horrible and just hang out and read a book? Do you want some coffee brought to you as well?" This last was sarcastic enough to be slightly hurtful. I knew I was bested.

Me: "Hmmm...I never thought about it like that."

She let me off the hook, but she had made her point. Why do I sit in there where it smells? Why have I made my reading place a torturous place to be after the first couple of minutes. I mean, sometimes it's so bad that I comment out loud to no one in particular, "Whoa! That is rough!" or, "Man, I stink!" Now here I am talking to myself out loud about how awful the place smells, and my next move is almost always to go for the book. Why don't I just contemplate the future for a second while I finish up and come out and read where the air is fresh? Definitely something to think about.

Enjoy your bathroom time, if you live to 80, its been almost three years of your life.

God save the cheese.