Some Assembly Required

Hola faithful readers. I hope that this post will brighten your day and strengthen your spirits.

So for the most incredible woman in the world's birthday gift I went the extra mile...I swung for the fences and hit a home run. I got her something she has always wanted (well, wanted since we first coveted it at the Perazzelli's house...hmm, we wanted more of their stuff than I remember at the time...how bout that?...anyways...): a 55 gallon aquarium. Admittedly, it is not the biggest aquarium out there, but it is definately a wall tank that has to have its own cabinet stand and a canister filter below. No it's not a shark tank, but 55 galons is no joke, it is probably 5 feet wide and a foot deep. Still, there is this small part of me that ruffles when the most incredible woman in the world calls it a "fish tank," though. I guess that is what it really is, but fish tank sounds like a gum ball machine sized tank, not this glorious all glass aquarium that I spent my hard earned cheddar on. Nevertheless, I got her a fish tank...I mean, aquarium.

Now don't be fooled. There is still some assembly required for the filter system. Some products come with assembly instructions that have obviously been written for aliens. They look something like this:

Step #1: Open the box. (And then there is a picture of the box opened.)

Step #2: Take the product out of the box. (And then there is a picture of that.)

Step #3: Inspect all parts, as they have been labelled A-W going from smallest in size to largest in size. Included is every tool you will need for assembly, and these have been numbered. (And then there is a helpful full scale diagram of every part and tool.)

Basically, some things (read: Anything from IKEA) come with directions that even Forrest Gump could understand.

The aquarium did not...

First off, let me say that it was obvious that these directions were not written in English first--they were obviously a translation...a crude translation...a very crude tranlation. These included well known phrases like "Short hose tube insert into valve for shut off with nut on tight." Yessir. Roger that.

Second, these directions left out crucial steps, and not just a few. The first step for attaching the filter read:

1. In box is hose. Cut equal in half. Scissors not included.

So I divided the hose into half and cut it with my own pair of scissors. I proceeded to step two, the now famous:

2. Short hose tube insert into valve shut off with nut on tight.

Okay, now if you were following closely, this was downright crazy-making. You see, my problem was not just with the barbaric translation, it was with the first words: "short hose tube." I cut the hose, per step 1, "equal in half." There is no short hose tube!!!

And the picture...oh that picture, it was so close up that is was stupid. It simply showed the valve shut off with nut on tight, no short hose tube. I was literally going crazy. I actually attempted to read the spanish directions to see if they made more sense. They did! They had left out the step where I cut a four inch piece of tubing off from each half that serves as my connection between the manual shut off valve (what they referred to as the valve shut off) and the filter. Thank you high school spanish classes.

Needless to say, no thanks to the instructions, it is assembled and works properly. Now all we need are some fish. But that, dear readers, is her choice.

Until next time...God speed, and God save the Cheese.