The Genius That Is Fox TV

Alright quesolitos, last night brought you everything you have ever wanted: 1) I returned from my three-day voyage, 2) A new idol was crowned, 3) a guaranteed update...which you happen to be reading right now! Lucky dogs! And lucky you are as this is the one you have waited for:

THE AMERICAN IDOL WRAP UP POST!!!

Well, I suppose the big news is that Taylor outdueled Kat McPhee and the rest of the soon-to-be-forgotten singers on American Idol and was named our newest American Idol. Or as it was put by Steve Tilley of the Toronto Sun:

"Silver-haired Alabama blues boy Taylor Hicks was crowned the fifth American Idol last night in the two-hour finale of Fox's karaoke carnival, beating out the curvilicious but ultimately forgettable Katharine McPhee."

I guess what makes this announcement so anti-climactic was a coupla things. First, the American Idol season, like the NBA season, is dreadfully long. I mean, it started in January with its opening shows. JANUARY!!! Second, a two hour finale might have been a little overkill (thank God for DVR, you can skip through the boring parts...which was a lot).

Oh, but the stars came out!!! Well, more like the other contestants this year, Ben Stiller, and the rest of B-list and C-list talent (most with roles on Fox's other less important shows) all showed up. These camera glimpses through the audience led to exchanges like this between me and the most incredible woman in the world (abbreviated: MIWITW)

Me: Oh crap...who was that?

MIWITW: Ummm...I think he's on TV.

Me: In that show?

MIWITW: Sure...or maybe commercials.

Me: Who knows. I think he was famous.

MIWITW: Maybe. Hey, skip this part.


...Oh, but Fox roled out magic moment after magic moment for this finale:

Carrie Underwood was there...and then there again. Neat.

And who can forget watching Kat McPhee sweat out a performance with the glorious and yesteryear talent of Meat Loaf?

When I think great singers, I think Meat Loaf. This was a natural choice. My favorite part of this was her actual look of surprise as he sang so off key that it took her off-guard. Priceless. Pure Magic.

Or Chris Daughtry, fresh off the biggest mistake of his life (turning down the bandfuel for their open lead singer position, so that he could try his luck in the biz as the fourth place finisher in American Idol, aka: The bald guy that sang rock music) performing with his personal faves, Live. This was a bad move because he looked a lot like their lead singer...a little too much like him. Wannabe?

Then Paris and Al Jerreau, of all people, came out and ruined an Al Jerreau song!!! A new low, ladies and gentleman.

Kevin, more affectionately dubbed "Chicken Little," and his country buddy Bucky (face it, if you wanted Bucky to win, you are a redneck) were back ruining songs, as the guys performed such vocally ostentatious hits as Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Taking Care of Business." Wow.

Ace was there, but he had to keep his sleeves on, so no gun shows, just really bad falsetto.

Clay Aiken came out and finished an abusively off-key song for a then completely puddled and shaking male fan who wanted to be just like him, but lacked both the style and voice (all he had was the alternative sexuality, which in fact also came off as underwhelming).

Others were there being surprised by their idols, but then came the Brokenote Cowboys who weren't joined by anyone. I watched and suffered through this atonal pummeling just to see which country star would appear and blow their minds, but no. All I got was three terrible singers beating what dignity was left out of a Willie Nelson classic.

MIWITW: We should have fast forwarded through that.

Me: Yeah.


The Golden Idol awards were funny, but did they merit making the show two hours long. No.

How about the specail guests through: Dionne Warwick (She couldn't really sing twenty years ago, she's a perfect fit), Burt Bacharach (who is a genius..for real, but must need some extra cheddar), Toni Braxton (whose real notariety comes from her ability to sing in the male register...honestly) and a very special appearance by ... Prince (who is rapidly becoming the very heterosexual adultophile version of Michael Jackson weird and offsetting).

Really though people...two hours??? Never before has it taken so brtually long to say so very little. Here is the breakdown of what went on:

Intros and playing up the crowd (4-5 minutes).

Country-girl Kelly Pickler being a more retarded southern girl than Jessica Simpson showing her fear for all things seafood (8-9 minutes).

The Golden Idol awards for bad performances, tryouts, touching family moments, and cher soundalikes (including performances by some of the seasons worst so that we could all laugh at them one last time...hahahaha I can't believe this was his life dream. Look at the moron... hahahaha...) (something like 15 minutes).

Various crappy performances of idols and their idols (25-30 minutes...ouch).

Performances by actual singers now wishing they were elsewhere (5 minutes).

Review of all the stupid Ford commericals so that Kat and Taylor could be given Mustang Convertables, which was actually product placement so that America's youth could do their own math and realize that in order to be successful and cool you have to drive a 'Stang (2-3 minutes).

Various other appearances by the other Idol losers of this year's top 12 (somewhere near 10 minutes).

Seacrest facetime and some of his witty mindless banter (12-15 minutes)

"Please welcome your American Idol: Taylor Hicks!" (5 seconds...the very last 5 seconds.)

Further proof that Fox can ruin anything.

Actaully, I am so glad I DVR-ed this crap-pile, because just after tehy announce Taylor's victory, the camera scans the crowd for a "star" and finds "der has been" David Hasselhoff who is standing amidst countless seated people wiping tears of joy from his eyes. Unbelievable. I know.

This has been your American Idol wrap-up. Thanks for watching, and God save the Cheese.