Question of the Day

Important Note: I really would like everyone to answer yesterday's question of the day, because it is a particularly interesting one. Don't be shy. Go on. I believe in you.

Nevertheless, on with today's question:

Who is better:

James Yasko?

or

Donnie Frick?

Dick Cheney Cancelled On Me

Hey there beloved fans of the fastball up and in. I got some bad news. Originally I had planned to do a piece where I interviewed Dick Cheney, but, wouldn't you know it, his people called my people this morning and canned the whole thing--something about other business and it being more important. Man...forget that. I told them that nothing was more important than my quesolitos. They just hung up. Stinking Dick Cheney.

Anyway. I had this great interview all worked up. I was going to ask him everything that the american public really wants to know about him too. Stuff that everyone would give anything to get a straight answer on. Stuff like:

* Is it true that you're a cyborg?

* How are you adapting to your new pig liver?

* Can you locate Iowa on a map without labels?

* I am thinking of a number between one and twenty, what is it?

I mean, this was the hard-hitting interview that most people really want. Not just some meet the press softball crap, but real life issues that affect us right here at home. Stuff like:

* What is your favorite Outkast song?

*Do you think you could take Donald Rumsfeld in a cage match? What if you were both in diapers?

* Terror Shmerror...who ya got in the superbowl.

Well, all of these crucial issues will forever be lost because some other stuff got in the way...it was "more important." Something about a "nation to run." Horsecrap--you're the vice president, you don't actually do anything bigshot. You're like the open baking soda in the fridge--You don't really do anything other than absorb the odor of the place...and now you stink. He acts all high and mighty, but really he's just mad 'cause he's second place. Anyway. Whatever.

Oh well. Whaddaryagonnado?

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

Do you believe that in the theory of "the one?"

Explanatory followup: Do you believe that everyone on earth has one person out there that is there soulmate, their match, their true love?

Explain your answer.

Wallets and Men

Hola mis amigos and hermanos--can I promise the ladies out there in the land of the high fastball that both of those spanish terms were used with the gender inclusive masculine plural, because here at the brushback pitch we want everyone to feel welcome. We play no favorites...sorta.

So the most incredible woman in the universe got me among other things a wallet for Christmas. Now this wasn't a surprise, because I picked it out. Bah Humbug, you might say? Not at all. You see all things being equal, women really don't get how attached we are to our wallets. I think that they see a wallet more or less as equal to a purse. And while they are attached to their purses, they also tend to see them as more fashion than function. They can be changed like any old outfit in order to match. Ladies, this is simply not the case with wallets.

A man's wallet is a direct 1 to 1 metaphor of his personal character and identity. First, we can separate men from boys by exteriors--adult men generally prefer a more lasting exterior that is held closed either by the training of the leather itself or a small strap, but either way it is a noiseless open and close; Boys generally like velcro and bright colors of polyester. Next we can separate married with kids from single and on the prowl--the classic "dad" wallet is about one to two inches thick when folded up, includes pictures of family, all credit cards, all insurance cards, all grocery store savings cards, all important receipts, all business cards collected, a spare house key, etc.; a single man might choose to go instead with a sleek front pocket wallet, so that he doesn't get it lifted while on the dance floor. Next you can separate clean and organized from trashy and disorganized--self explanatory...clean freaks keep a really organized wallet; disorganized people don't.

So, ladies, next time you go to get your man a wallet, be smart. Take him with you and let him guide you to the wallet of his dreams. We don't chnge them until they fall apart. We do with wallets what we wish we would do with cars--we drive them until the wheels fall off. If you think of it in terms of butt-crushing hours, the extra ten dollars to move from cheesy bifold to removable travel ID section trifold is actually mere pennies more, so long as it is what he wants. Not just any wallet will do, you must find "the one." There is a much better chance that the theory of "the one" applies much more to wallets than it does to humans and marriage.

That's it for now. God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

How do you spell relief?

The Holiday Spirit Wears Thin, Gets Skated On, Gets Some Underwear, and Gets Patriotic. [then there's the preview for the week...not too bad]

Well, that's it for another Christmas. Pack the crap up and ship it to the basement for another year of languishing in the dark. Hola quesolitos, it's your true blue friend, the High Cheese here.

And it gets even worse...so the most incredible woman in the universe and I are watching the Bears beat the Packers (how close was the NFC that if the Bears who won last night to clinch a bye in the playoffs would have lost their last two they would have missed the playoffs altogether--psycho!). Anyway, we're watching, rooting for the good guys and all of a sudden we see it. Celebrities now have to learn how to figure skate to prove their mettle. Who really watches this crap? Not me. Not the most incredible woman in the world. Not my hyper-anxious wondermutt. Not in my house! Honestly, like the sagacious people at UnderArmor say, "We must protect this house!"

Speaking of...those are the single most intense underwear commercials I have ever seen. They make you want to beat someone up or join the military, not put on some tightfighting polyester underwear. But hey, whatever sells, right?

Well, Christmas was a real treat. We are all so blessed simply to have been born so wealthy--as the tater says, we really did win the lottery by being born in America. Sure there are downsides, but in reality, we are all amazingly lucky [cue National Anthem].

Let me preview the week in Cheese for you to whet your appetites:

Tuesday - Wallets and Men...a must read for women especially.

Wednesday - Why my cousin picks on kids with prostheses.

Thursday - A sit down interview with Dick Cheney (might be rescheduled for another story about the crapper if he is unavailable).

Friday - Why it's so hard to drop a fresh album.

Who wouldn't read any of that??? Well, enjoy the long return lines and remember to not watch the celbrities doing anything other than what they're famous for in the first place. Thanks.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day?

What is the funniest show on television right now?

I Have Joined the Rebellion

Hola my adoring public. That's right...two in a row. Yes, you are blessed. I am happy to once again be giving you what your soul longs for and what your body flat out needs--more of the High Cheese.

So, I am now in the minority. I am now in the undercurrent. I am now a part of the uprising. I am now in the underground community fighting against the oppression and inefficiency of the man. I am now a part of the somewhat affluent groundswell that is rallying against tyranny and system crashes anywhere and anytime...

I bought an Apple IBook G4 laptop computer. One word: Simply Amazing.

Armed with this technological prowess I am learning how to feel elite and exclusive. I am reading through the instruction manual and I have just finished the chapter on how to explain my way out of needing a right click button on the mouse and am just before the chapter on how to best look down my nose at PC users who just don't know any better--poor idiots.

Either way, I think that I have a much better chance of finishing my dissertation without anymore files lost due to repeated system crashes. That is enough for me. Either way, enjoy yourselves...I must go figure out how to use the apple key.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day?

Do you talk on your cell phone during movies...ever?

If so, why?

Also, even if you know why, do you honestly think you are that important? Should we just pause the movie so that you can have your conversation? I mean, hey, we all paid, and none of us made the film or starred in it, but your life and this particular phone call must be so crucial that our lives and time and money pale in comparison to yours, so just kindly let us know when we can resume the film so that you don't miss any of it while you chat with your roomate a little longer.

Full of Christmas Restraint (edited for the kids...quite frankly, here at the Cheese, we will do anything for the kids.)

Hola my wonderfully patient and kindhearted quesolitos. The Cheese has finally returned from treks and travels abroad to lands as exotic and wild as Indiana and Delaware. Well, of course, i was busy, but I suppose I have used that excuse too often to have it work now. Anyway, I hope you all are enjoying the last picked over morsels of Christmas shopping. I hope you are enjoying the last few old lady middle fingers from Christmas traffic. I hope that you all are enjoying the last few cursings out from the holiday crowds. It's these things that let me realize that Christmas or not, the whole world is going to hell. Happy thoughts.

Anyway...

So the most incredible woman in the world and I were watching a little of the old idiot box to decompress from having ventured out mistakenly into the mall area. And we were shocked to find out that the most persistant and gnawing question for apparently over 30 million or so viewers of television is whether or not "celebrities"--mostly B to D list celebrities--can dance. Now, I have ranted about reality TV before, but this can't e real, can it? Tell me, dear quesolitos that none of you have ever watched the dancing with celebrities show!

I hate to be the one who has to ask this question, but who the heck cares if Jerry Rice can do the tango? He's the greatest receiver of all time! He can dance the funky chicken for all I care and still be good enough. Besides, since when did dancing become the requisite for the cool squad. Granted bad dancers can be known for their bad dancing and therefore be uncool, but this cannot be the make or beak item on the must-have list for cool people. I thought that item was a great pair of shades.

Speaking of...on my flight home a coupla nights ago, there was a guy, on the plane...in the dark...at night...who wasn't blind...wearing his shades! This was the absolutely most ridiculous thing I had seen in a while. I mean, c'mon man, look around. Even Roy Orbison had taken his shades off, and I thought he was blind for a long time.

Well, happy HannaKwanzMas from our home to yours.

Question of the Day

If wrongly imprisoned would you attempt to break out? What is your rationale for such behavior?

Sports Update

Hola quesolitos, the highest of Cheeses here to talk a little sports with you. It's been a while since I was on my game and so here we go...

Does everyone remember when I thought that the Bears were going to finish the season in last. Boy Howdy! I was wrong. Instead, they have become the true monsters of the midway again and their defense hasn't looked this good since--dare I say it--1985. And what with a stable of running backs making folks pay, and Kyle Orton throwing for literally tens of yards per game, how can we not be superbowl bound? Seriously, the offense is rough, but in the NFL defense really does win games. I can't say superbowl yet, but I am saying playoffs.

Speaking of good defense and no offense, I fear for the Crimson Tide and their date with their polar opposite in the Cotton Bowl. Texas Tech is all offense and no defense. Now when Texas Tech played Texas--a team with a great defense--they looked like a pop warner team. I think that Alabama can definitely stop them, but our offense has been a little less that ultra-productive of late. I am not so afraid of their blitz, because I don't think their players are as talented as LSU's and Auburn's--our lineman can handle their rush. I think Bama wins a 21-7 game.

Well, my Cubs have made me a happy man by signing Juan Pierre--one of my favorite players. He is a true lead off man, and he replaces Jose "the Manimal" Macias in CF, which is definately an upgrade. Now we just have to find a left fielder and a short stop. We still have Neifi Perez as a starter--this can not be! What do you think? As for LF, could Manny be a Cub? Hmmmm...

Alright, well, enough for now, but soon we will highlight Crimson Tide Basketball.

My fantasy squad in my keeper NBA league is fourth out of twelve. We need a big man to bring home the title. I am working on that.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day?

Which scares you more:

Diseases that are acronyms (i.e. AIDS, or SARS)?

Diseases that are named for animals (i.e. Bird Flu, or Monkey Pox)?

Diseases that are scientifically named (i.e. Ebola, or E-Coli)?

The Party Guest

"I'm lost without you." She whispered gently into his ear as they passed shoulder to shoulder through the crowded room. Had he heard? He hadn't shown any reaction--he just kept walking.

Her mind was racing. Rewritten memories and edited conversations poured through all at once. She had lost track of what had actually happened. All she knew is that she had made the biggest mistake of her life. Holiday music encouraged dancers, the room was spinning, and people were everywhere, but she was breaking down. She rushed out onto the balcony and drew her arms in for warmth. The night was cold and as she cried she could see her breath in uneven foggy puffs. It didn't matter if it was raining, everyone could see she was crying. She didn't care.

She composed herself and turned around looking into the party from the outside--the objective observer. The lit windows laced in dancing lights radiated the warmth inside. Smiles and tinsel were everywhere. She focused her observation on him. Had he heard her? As she looked at him, doubting herself, a taller man approached him, spoke a few words to him, hugged him, and silently stabbed him in the chest. The tall man gently set his body down in a nearby chair. No one seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary.

The tall man came out onto the balcony, where she stood horrified. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows.

Still affected, she drew her breath and whispered, "Nothing more. We need to leave now."

Question of the Day

What is your favorite Christmas song?

You Want the Best, You Got the Best!

Ho Ho Hola Quesolitos! Back by popular demand, the world's most lovable baseball reference is capping another exceptionally stressful week with some leisure. And who else would think of you in his moment of leisure--just the Cheese baby. Just the Cheese. Who loves you? That's right, I do.

Before I forget let me welcome Kimmie to the blog. Enjoy.

So anyway, the most incredible woman in the world and I began our Christmas shopping in earnest this week. Now, we are not foolish enough to go line up at Best Buy at 3:00am in the frozen Jersey morning just to buy someone a camcorder/phone/waffle iron. We are more in tune with catching the "extended sales." You know, when the store has its one day only Black Friday sale (named that because it is the day of the year that most stores begin to operate in the black of their budget, i.e. turn their first profits), we wait and without fail all of them extend their one day sales until Tuesday or so. So this last monday, we both took some time off to go to some local outlet stores and get everyone just the right gift.

In all of this, here are some random things I discovered about life, myself, and Christmas:

1. I can't stand most Christmas music.
2. $6 for a pair of socks is not on sale, unless the socks come with a massage.
3. The coffee at Starbucks is so heavily flavored and mixed that it could be Sanka and we wouldn't know the difference.
4. My second least favorite song of all time is "These are a few of my favorite things." It makes me violently angry. I hate most Christmas music.
5. I love a challenge, but my wealthy-and-has-everything-he-ever-wanted grandfather having a birthday the day after Christmas and requiring two gifts is downright unfair.
6. The Coach outlet is only 10% of the normal price on 5th ave. in NYC. No lie.
7. It really isn't a yum yummy world made for sweethearts--I detest most Christmas music.
8. My brother dresses cooler than me...jerk.
9. My brother dresses more metrosexually than me...fair trade.
10. Trying to plan out every Christmas gift for each relative before you go to the store is a task no more possible than that of Sysiphus. I mean, how many people can you write "shirt/sweater," beside their name before you just pack it in and say, okay, whatever, let's just go the the mall and look.
11. Most Christmas music makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Oh well, enjoy the stores and have a good weekend. Be safe.

God save the Cheese.