Question of the Day

What is your favorite soft drink in the world?

Some Assembly Required

Hola faithful readers. I hope that this post will brighten your day and strengthen your spirits.

So for the most incredible woman in the world's birthday gift I went the extra mile...I swung for the fences and hit a home run. I got her something she has always wanted (well, wanted since we first coveted it at the Perazzelli's house...hmm, we wanted more of their stuff than I remember at the time...how bout that?...anyways...): a 55 gallon aquarium. Admittedly, it is not the biggest aquarium out there, but it is definately a wall tank that has to have its own cabinet stand and a canister filter below. No it's not a shark tank, but 55 galons is no joke, it is probably 5 feet wide and a foot deep. Still, there is this small part of me that ruffles when the most incredible woman in the world calls it a "fish tank," though. I guess that is what it really is, but fish tank sounds like a gum ball machine sized tank, not this glorious all glass aquarium that I spent my hard earned cheddar on. Nevertheless, I got her a fish tank...I mean, aquarium.

Now don't be fooled. There is still some assembly required for the filter system. Some products come with assembly instructions that have obviously been written for aliens. They look something like this:

Step #1: Open the box. (And then there is a picture of the box opened.)

Step #2: Take the product out of the box. (And then there is a picture of that.)

Step #3: Inspect all parts, as they have been labelled A-W going from smallest in size to largest in size. Included is every tool you will need for assembly, and these have been numbered. (And then there is a helpful full scale diagram of every part and tool.)

Basically, some things (read: Anything from IKEA) come with directions that even Forrest Gump could understand.

The aquarium did not...

First off, let me say that it was obvious that these directions were not written in English first--they were obviously a translation...a crude translation...a very crude tranlation. These included well known phrases like "Short hose tube insert into valve for shut off with nut on tight." Yessir. Roger that.

Second, these directions left out crucial steps, and not just a few. The first step for attaching the filter read:

1. In box is hose. Cut equal in half. Scissors not included.

So I divided the hose into half and cut it with my own pair of scissors. I proceeded to step two, the now famous:

2. Short hose tube insert into valve shut off with nut on tight.

Okay, now if you were following closely, this was downright crazy-making. You see, my problem was not just with the barbaric translation, it was with the first words: "short hose tube." I cut the hose, per step 1, "equal in half." There is no short hose tube!!!

And the picture...oh that picture, it was so close up that is was stupid. It simply showed the valve shut off with nut on tight, no short hose tube. I was literally going crazy. I actually attempted to read the spanish directions to see if they made more sense. They did! They had left out the step where I cut a four inch piece of tubing off from each half that serves as my connection between the manual shut off valve (what they referred to as the valve shut off) and the filter. Thank you high school spanish classes.

Needless to say, no thanks to the instructions, it is assembled and works properly. Now all we need are some fish. But that, dear readers, is her choice.

Until next time...God speed, and God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day?

Would you describe yourself as a thinker or a doer--Do you come up with great ideas, or do you get things done?

The DaVinci Code (or, Whatever....and Tom's hair wasn't even worth half that fuss.)

Hola quesolitos, and a pleasant Monday morning wish of happiness to you all. Barry hit number 715 yesterday, but what do I care, yesterday was not his day--it will never be his day, because yesterday, May 28, was the most incredible woman in the worlds' birthday. That's right, where was I? I wasn't in front of my TV so that I could watch everytime Barry Bonds farted or whined or hit a homerun. I was with my wife celebrating the day of her birth. Well worth the trade! Way to age baby!

So anyway, on to my bigger issue today, besides the fact htat I really need to mow my lawn and would readily pay someone to do it for me right now.

As I said...on to my bigger issue: The DaVinci Code.

Okay, so I have read the book and I have seen the movie, and at the risk of sounding cliche, "The book was a lot better." No really...I was amazed that Ron Howard and Tom Hanks could team up to drain more of the intensity and energy out of a very intense and energetic book than could be possibly imagined. I mean, seriously...what happened?

I know that not every book makes a good movie, and that despite this book's acclaim, its IQ is too high for the consuming public; however, the movie was almost unintelligible. I mean, it was almost JFK-esque. Remember the scene in JFK where Donald Sutherland shows up in the park and basically sings like a canary for five minutes and spills the beans that the rest of the three hours of film only proved to completely and monotonously repeat? It was like that, only with Teabing's office in this film.

Sure, I have some beef with the so-called DaVinci facts (Oh yeah, sure thing M. Brown, the Gnostics want a human Jesus...whatever...), but then I just sound like the theology nerd I actually am. My big beef with this particular film right now is that I wasted nine bucks watching hollywood try to polish a turd. This movie was supposed to be one of my big three this summer--along with X3 and some other sure-to-be-crap movie I can't think of right now. Oh well, what am I going to do, tell Hollywood they screwed up another story--I'll get in line.

Better luck next time.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

This one has a few parts:

1. Did you read the DaVinci Code?
2. Have you seen the DaVinci Code?
3. What did you think of the movie? (in comparison with the book if possible.)

You will get my responses and thought on Monday.

The glory that is the Hoff and your Link of the Week!!!

Good morning fans of the fastball up and in. Thank God it's Friday.

Now that the bathroom update is complete, we can talk about more important things...like why David Hasselhoff was crying after Taylor was announced the winner. It was reported to me that in the pre-show, they interviewed him on the red carpet and he was gushing about "Kat McPhee is so good. She really deserves to win. Go Kat. Go Kat."

Are you telling me he stood in shock and wept in regret??? This only gets better. I regret to inform you I can't find pictures of this moment or you could see it too.

All this said...here is your link of the week:

The Evolution of Dance

It is a little bit blotty at first, but it clears up, and this guy is incredible.

God save the Cheese, and have a great weekend.

Question of the Day

Name something that you have always wanted to do that you will accomplish (or have accomplished already for you real go-getters) this year!

The Genius That Is Fox TV

Alright quesolitos, last night brought you everything you have ever wanted: 1) I returned from my three-day voyage, 2) A new idol was crowned, 3) a guaranteed update...which you happen to be reading right now! Lucky dogs! And lucky you are as this is the one you have waited for:

THE AMERICAN IDOL WRAP UP POST!!!

Well, I suppose the big news is that Taylor outdueled Kat McPhee and the rest of the soon-to-be-forgotten singers on American Idol and was named our newest American Idol. Or as it was put by Steve Tilley of the Toronto Sun:

"Silver-haired Alabama blues boy Taylor Hicks was crowned the fifth American Idol last night in the two-hour finale of Fox's karaoke carnival, beating out the curvilicious but ultimately forgettable Katharine McPhee."

I guess what makes this announcement so anti-climactic was a coupla things. First, the American Idol season, like the NBA season, is dreadfully long. I mean, it started in January with its opening shows. JANUARY!!! Second, a two hour finale might have been a little overkill (thank God for DVR, you can skip through the boring parts...which was a lot).

Oh, but the stars came out!!! Well, more like the other contestants this year, Ben Stiller, and the rest of B-list and C-list talent (most with roles on Fox's other less important shows) all showed up. These camera glimpses through the audience led to exchanges like this between me and the most incredible woman in the world (abbreviated: MIWITW)

Me: Oh crap...who was that?

MIWITW: Ummm...I think he's on TV.

Me: In that show?

MIWITW: Sure...or maybe commercials.

Me: Who knows. I think he was famous.

MIWITW: Maybe. Hey, skip this part.


...Oh, but Fox roled out magic moment after magic moment for this finale:

Carrie Underwood was there...and then there again. Neat.

And who can forget watching Kat McPhee sweat out a performance with the glorious and yesteryear talent of Meat Loaf?

When I think great singers, I think Meat Loaf. This was a natural choice. My favorite part of this was her actual look of surprise as he sang so off key that it took her off-guard. Priceless. Pure Magic.

Or Chris Daughtry, fresh off the biggest mistake of his life (turning down the bandfuel for their open lead singer position, so that he could try his luck in the biz as the fourth place finisher in American Idol, aka: The bald guy that sang rock music) performing with his personal faves, Live. This was a bad move because he looked a lot like their lead singer...a little too much like him. Wannabe?

Then Paris and Al Jerreau, of all people, came out and ruined an Al Jerreau song!!! A new low, ladies and gentleman.

Kevin, more affectionately dubbed "Chicken Little," and his country buddy Bucky (face it, if you wanted Bucky to win, you are a redneck) were back ruining songs, as the guys performed such vocally ostentatious hits as Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Taking Care of Business." Wow.

Ace was there, but he had to keep his sleeves on, so no gun shows, just really bad falsetto.

Clay Aiken came out and finished an abusively off-key song for a then completely puddled and shaking male fan who wanted to be just like him, but lacked both the style and voice (all he had was the alternative sexuality, which in fact also came off as underwhelming).

Others were there being surprised by their idols, but then came the Brokenote Cowboys who weren't joined by anyone. I watched and suffered through this atonal pummeling just to see which country star would appear and blow their minds, but no. All I got was three terrible singers beating what dignity was left out of a Willie Nelson classic.

MIWITW: We should have fast forwarded through that.

Me: Yeah.


The Golden Idol awards were funny, but did they merit making the show two hours long. No.

How about the specail guests through: Dionne Warwick (She couldn't really sing twenty years ago, she's a perfect fit), Burt Bacharach (who is a genius..for real, but must need some extra cheddar), Toni Braxton (whose real notariety comes from her ability to sing in the male register...honestly) and a very special appearance by ... Prince (who is rapidly becoming the very heterosexual adultophile version of Michael Jackson weird and offsetting).

Really though people...two hours??? Never before has it taken so brtually long to say so very little. Here is the breakdown of what went on:

Intros and playing up the crowd (4-5 minutes).

Country-girl Kelly Pickler being a more retarded southern girl than Jessica Simpson showing her fear for all things seafood (8-9 minutes).

The Golden Idol awards for bad performances, tryouts, touching family moments, and cher soundalikes (including performances by some of the seasons worst so that we could all laugh at them one last time...hahahaha I can't believe this was his life dream. Look at the moron... hahahaha...) (something like 15 minutes).

Various crappy performances of idols and their idols (25-30 minutes...ouch).

Performances by actual singers now wishing they were elsewhere (5 minutes).

Review of all the stupid Ford commericals so that Kat and Taylor could be given Mustang Convertables, which was actually product placement so that America's youth could do their own math and realize that in order to be successful and cool you have to drive a 'Stang (2-3 minutes).

Various other appearances by the other Idol losers of this year's top 12 (somewhere near 10 minutes).

Seacrest facetime and some of his witty mindless banter (12-15 minutes)

"Please welcome your American Idol: Taylor Hicks!" (5 seconds...the very last 5 seconds.)

Further proof that Fox can ruin anything.

Actaully, I am so glad I DVR-ed this crap-pile, because just after tehy announce Taylor's victory, the camera scans the crowd for a "star" and finds "der has been" David Hasselhoff who is standing amidst countless seated people wiping tears of joy from his eyes. Unbelievable. I know.

This has been your American Idol wrap-up. Thanks for watching, and God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

In your opinion, where did I go wrong?

In the John

Well, quesolitos, another busy day.

Elliott is gone from American Idol. So are the braincells that die everytime I watch American Idol. Iam getting more and more culturally imbibed and more and more retarded as the season progresses. Thank God the end is in sight.

Well, bathroom renovations continue...

Walls: Repaired, textured and painted.
Floors: Tiling in process, bone colored grout is great stuff.
Sinks: About to be replaced, will no longer be baby blue.
Toilet: Removed. About to be replaced after floor is tiled. Will no longer be baby blue.

The vanity is a work in progress for a while to come. It is an irregular size and therefore would simply cost too much to completely replace. If only I lived near a good woodworker like the tater...

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

As I watch the building being raised outside of my window, I am watching the steel frame workers walk thirty feet off of the ground on these 12" and 6" wide beams of steel. Amazing agility. And one of them is Amish--not that they have less agility, I just feel like I ought to note that.

Anyway, this sparked the question of the day:

How much money would it take as an annual salary for this to be your job?

Here's to you...

Well, my little cheese ones (quesolitos), we have emerged victorious...at least for now. Thanks to Jerry Logan, who I am forever indebted to, our plumbing issues have been solved and bathroom renovation has resumed.

You know, there is atill a part of me that resents help from people I know. I mean, the honest truth is that I know two things about plumbing, 1) Jack, 2) Crap. That is it. So it can't take really long for me to be in over my head. Nevertheless, when a problem arises that I cannot fix, there is still this part of me that would rather call a professional plumber that I do not know and have him come bail me out, as opposed to calling someone I know who is simply more trained in the arts of man than I am. This is foolish and completely linked to shame, but still, I can't get past it.

Either way, we got Jerry Logan, a friend and fellow churchmember out there and he sweated the thingy off the pipe. I felt that I had sweated quite a bit over the pipe, but hadn't had progress. His sweating it off involved a propane torch and this weird heat resistant wrench. I am sure that I would have caught the inside of my bathroom wall on fire had I tried it.

Raise your glasses people...this one is for Jerry Logan.

Oh yeah. We turned the water back on and I finally got to shower. Small victories.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

Have the Colts and/or Eagles missed their chance to win a Superbowl?

Why my phone is turned off right now.

Hola, children of the cheese. It has been one of those days...

Actually this morning things seemed to be wonderful...Family was in town, we enjoyed a great cup of coffee with some nice small talk. It was picturesque.

Then the phone rang. I had forgotten a morning meeting and was already late to work. So, I threw on a ball cap (sans shower) and refreshed the deodorant (this irks me greatly...I mean, you know you are at that point only masking a true and real and present stink; and you know that this stink will overpower this second coat of stinkblock in about 2 hours max.). I drove like a madman the three blocks to work and ran into the meeting.

All seemed to have quieted down. It was once again a good day.

Then the phone rang. The most wonderful woman in the world and the best mom on earth were remodeling our guest bathroom and had become the wettest women on earth thanks to a busted pipe in the wall that was soon to be threatening the structural integrity of the floor and walls if action was not taken rapidly. I tore home (as quickly as one can tear in a toyota corolla). I located the water main buried in the yard, used the long well wrench and turned the quarter-turn and went in to check the situation. The water continued to gush. I ran out and continued my prodding and turning. Please shut off please shut off. Still gushing. Jesus, if you can hear me, please shut it off. Stop up the waters like you did with the Jordan (when theologians panic...hmmm). Still gushing. All I could think of were the bad words. After panicking and cursing the phone book for not being easy to use I located the number to the water company and called them. "A guy should be there in a few minutes." This was their answer. A few minutes equaled at least 60-100 gallons of water. Finally, Scotty (his name tag) showed up and took out his long well wrench, prodded around and turned the wrench a quarter-turn. He smiled and might as well have flipped me off as a taunt as he exclaimed with every bit of ire and rub-it-in-ness he could muster, "That should do it." He didn't need to call be an idiot verbally, because it had been so clearly communicated without the word being said. A small snicker and he headed towards his truck. As I warn him that I had done this and it was still running, of course, the parade of the world's wettest women came smiling out the door singing Scotty's praises for shutting it off. I told him he could leave. Man...forget Scotty.

Well, I finally headed back to work and resumed my day, hoping it would be okay from here on out.

Then the phone rang. Actually it didn't ring, someone knocked on my door. It was our staff assistant informing me of seveeral small crises that had arisen. I am still figuring these out.

Hope your day is better than mine so far.

God save the cheese.

Question of the Day

What did you get your mom for Mother's Day?

Mondays and Toilets

Well, quesolitos, it's another beautiful monday, so get out there and get to work. You know, you may not hear it much from those around you, but the honest truth is that I appreciate the worl you do to keep this great nation of ours afloat with industry. God bless the working man--that's what I say. Actually, I have to be honest, and--while I don't always say that (read: don't ever say that)--let you know that I would agree with that statement most of the time...that might be more accurately put. Nevertheless, God bless the working man (twice...and counting).

So, another Mother's Day is past and I am excited (not exited as I first typed), because my own mama shows up today. She is driving all the way to Whitebread, USA from Hotlanta, GA. Wow! We have all sorts of mother/son fun planned, like redoing the crapper. Really, we are going to remodel that guest bathroom that looks like my great grandmother picked out the designs. Wish me luck.

By the way, I was shopping for a new toilet in Lowe's the other day when I came across a toilet that had the following sign hung on it by the manufacturer to entice you to buy it:

WOW! THIS TOILET FLUSHES UP TO TWO DOZEN GOLF BALLS IN ONE FLUSH!!!

ALright, now this should make you think, and think I did, but not about how great the toilet was. I first thought, what moron flushes golf balls. Second, I figured this was the same genius who thought up Ginsu Knives ad campaign where they let you see how it could cut a lead pipe in half--Sounds great, how about cutting pot roast? Third, I quickly realized that this thing had the power to suck the clothes right off of your body if you were too close when it flushed. None of these were strong selling points.

I do have my standards. We went with the chair height bowl--crucial, not as much squatting involved. Second, we went extended front--another comfort decision. Third, we went with the white bowl--not cream, eggshell, or tarheel blue as the case is with our current fixture.

Don't worry I will let you know how it works. I know you really want to know.

Did you know they have toilets that have heated seats? Rad.

Well, my cousin and his wife are in town, along with his dad and her mum, so back to entertaining I go. Enjoy your mondays.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

Yesterday the most incredible woman in the world and I had a terribile dining experience due to poor service. I ordered two pieces of grilled fish, green beans, carrots, and pinto beans. I received one piece of grilled fish, turnip greans, and a cup pork and bean soup--and this after everyone else got their meal and she realized she hadn't turned my order in. No lie.

What restaurant is, in your opinion, notorious for the worst service?

Break Time's Up!

Well, Quesolitos, the break is over. I had taken a week off from everyone's favorite high fast ball so that I could catch up on a few important areas of life. The break was nice, but to be honest with you...I missed you guys...really.

Well this morning finds me welcoming the seventh hour of the day with a coke zero and some dry honey nut cheerios--a wonderful start if you ask me. But it also finds me frustrated at myself, because I have managed to get out to work very early today so that I could get some serious work done (like this....okay, well maybe "serious work" was a bit over dramatic), but I managed to get here with everything except my cell phone. Those of you who have done this know my pain. It is the distinct pain of two merging and disconsonant voices. One side of me says, "Good for you, buddy. You escaped the electronic leash. Just a few more steps and you can be off the grid for good. At least you can enjoy a day without being bugged while you are doing everything else you should be doing anyway." And then the other voice chimes in, "Nice work moron. Now when your mom calls you in desperate need of your help, you will be whistling dixie out of your rearend at the office while your phone vibrates itself off the table at home in helpless disconnection."

Maybe I should walk the three blocks back to my house and get it. That would have taken less time than this. Hmmmm....

Oh yeah, go cubs. They look great don't they. Sweet 6-1 loss last night. We even exploded for three runs the other night against San Diego. Woohoo!

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

Who is/was creepier?

1. The manager from the partridge family?

2. The grandma/waitress in the new oreo double stuffs commercial?

3. Val Kilmer

4. This ecuadoran clown?

Out of Place?

Alright, quesolitos, I know I am a little late getting this post up, but i am trying after all--I am a very busy Cheese you know. Well, because I know you are all dying for an update on the whole slim-a-cheese event going down in my town, I will let you know that as of today we are down 8.5 lbs in 11 days. Yeah, so I gots it to lose. But actually, little cheese balls, that is not what I wanted to talk about today, so let us move towards the point.

So I am on the phone with a good friend the other night who happens to live in the greater Detroit area (talk about benefitting from coloquial speech--is there anything great about being near Detroit? No. Nevertheless...), and he bears the nickname Pastor. It went something like this:

Pastor: Guess where I am? (he was excited.)

Cheese: The bathroom.

Pastor: Try again. (he was briefly let down...then excited again.)

Cheese: The proctologist.

Pastor: No. I am at the Palace. (He was annoyed.)

Cheese: Oh...which one? (I was confused)

Pastor: Dude, THE palace. Y'know, where the Pistons play! (He was let down again.)

Cheese: Yeah, I know. (I was lying.)

Pastor: Check this out. There is this guy here wearing a Detroit jersey.

Cheese: Wow. You called me for that? (I was let down.)

Pastor: A Detroit Redwings jersey. (He had set me up.)

Cheese: Yeah so?

Pastor: Look, I know they are in the playoffs too, but you came to a basketball game instead of a hockey game. At least rep the right team.

Cheese: But isn't city pride city sports pride?

Pastor: No. Completely different teams, different games, different jerseys. It has to stop. (he was insensed, but not at me.)

Cheese: I'll give you that. (I gave in. he was feeling it. I could tell.)

Well, my question for you all is this: Was it in fact a good point? Do you like it when people wear a different teams jersey to the game (i.e. Redwings jerzey to Pistons game? What about different sports (i.e. me wearing an Alabama football jersey to a Yankee's game last year)? What about non-throwback retired or traded player's jerseys to the right team (i.e. the guy wearing the T-Mac Magic jersey to and Orlando basketball game)? I need to know this...so please, lemme know.

For the record, let me tell you how many times I capitolized the word jersey as I typed this because I am used to living in south Jersey, with a capitol J. Ah...I miss your smoke stacks and urban blight.

God save the Cheese.

Question of the Day

Who are you pulling for in the world cup?

NFL Draft Coverage...or at least Bears coverage

Hola quesolitos! Just this morning it dawned on me that I have watched over eight hours of the NFL draft this weekend, and less than 30 minutes of the NBA playoffs. Whaddaya make of that? Was I the only one who watched more draft than playoffs.

Well, my beloved Chicago bears once again proved that they seem to either be so far ahead of the curve that they are beyond the league and therefore do not excell in it, or, and more likely, they seem to be a bit behind the curve when it comes to the draft. I mean, what would you get for the team with the overall 2nd best defense and one of the league's worst offenses? That's right everyone, trade the opportunity for a solid starting wideout like Santonio Holmes or Chad Jackson, and draft defense for all your remaining picks (save the sixth round FB and G they picked up). Nice work guys. We are now the best AND the deepest defense in the league. We still bite on offense.

Well, they did draft Danieal Manning from Abilene Christian University.

Oh well, let's hope sexy Rexy stays healthy this year.